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Am I Crazy?

Discussion in 'Personal Discussions' started by Davidshush, Mar 21, 2016.

  1. ChoiAndJohn
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    ChoiAndJohn Well-Known Member Trusted Member

    Hi Erica I'm sorry for your situation. I would be careful what you put In an email, remember that an email can be used as evidence against you in a court hearing. I'm using my phone right now I'll write more when I get to a computer.
  2. Maharg
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    Maharg Well-Known Member Trusted Member

    Why are you emailing your ex? Unless you have children together I don't see why you would.
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  3. Davidshush
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    Davidshush New Member

    Thanks for the reply Chris.

    Why do you say you can't love someone if you've never met them? Sharing physical behaviours with them can show potential problems with the future of the relationship but it can just as easily be a process where you learn to accept them as they match/come close to your expectations. True you may not know for sure until you meet, but it could be accurate. Wasn't it somewhat accurate for you?

    Feelings can change when you meet someone and find they don't match the idea/fantasy/image of them you had in your head, but feelings can also change a year or two into a face to face relationship. There just seems to be heavy push back here about loving someone you've never met. Emotions happen, love is an emotion due to a chemical process which I'm unsure that anyone has the ability to control. Thus I think it's perfectly possible to love someone before you ever meet face to face. Doesn't mean it will transfer over...but it certainly can in my experience.

    With regards to seeing this girl...I was planning for December but as she's not told me she won't be meeting anyone else I don't want to go ahead and book hotels and flights only to be "pipped to the post" by someone else who has more experience and can organise something more swiftly. I guess I don't want to spend that much money flying half way around the world to meet someone who may only ever be a friend.

    I'm not saying never, I'm just saying not now. I do talk with other females in the Philippines but none I feel anything remotely similar for and I think it would be unfair for me to meet them due only to what has gone on between me and this other girl. But maybe in future.
  4. aposhark
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    aposhark Well-Known Member Lifetime Member

    David,

    If you have noticed, most people here don't think it is possible to love someone without meeting them.
    Normally, the majority view is the correct one and that is why people like us are on this forum. It is a forum where we try to help and if someone doesn't see the "big picture", then that is their decision.

    Perhaps if you meet a Filipina in person and have the wonderful feelings many who frequent here have had, and still have every day, then you will know what we are saying.
    We have Filipina wives, fiancées and girlfriends that we have flown thousands of miles many times over to meet, court, marry and have children with.

    We have spent many thousands of pounds to ensure we are with the lady of our dreams, and she is a dream in the flesh and not a fantasy.
    She has all the faults and frailties we have and yet we feel and see these with our own eyes and ears, face-to-face.

    In the five years it has taken you to dither, you could have joined the real "British-Filipino" modus vivendi.

    Good luck in your quest for romance.
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  5. Davidshush
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    Davidshush New Member

    That is an argument from popularity fallacy. I try to avoid fallacies.

    I'm not sure what "big picture" you're referring to?

    Perhaps in the future I will indeed meet a nice lady from the Philippines. I certainly haven't ruled it out.

    In my very opening post here I specifically referred to things that I saw as hurdles between us. I knew there would be some differences when we meet.

    I don't believe sitting back and not thinking of her as a potential partner in any realistic way was dithering. I never planned to see her etc. She was also seeing other guys at this time. So me "dithering" isn't a concern. I am however dithering now. And I think I have some good reasons to do so.

    If you notice my first post was about 2 weeks after joining. This is because at the time of joining we'd just discussed me coming to see her and so I went looking for information. That is not dithering. That is planning.

    Thanks for taking the time to reply.
  6. ChoiAndJohn
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    ChoiAndJohn Well-Known Member Trusted Member

    There are three sides to every argument. Your side, my side and the truth. I agree with David that it's possible to develop an emotional attachment to someone you never met. I Don't however classify it as true love, but rather the first stages and it's based on am idea rather than a reality which can be a dangerous thing. I feel that leaving it five years before meeting is too long but hey, if David wants to run his love life that way I'm not about to judge. On the other side, I think you're wasting your breath trying to justify your position David. Firstly you don't need to and secondly I feel that many other people on her feel as I do, that you made some mistakes, that you left it too long. Whether you learn from that experience and what you learn, is entirely up to you.
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  7. aposhark
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    aposhark Well-Known Member Lifetime Member

    David,

    You have not had sex for 8 years. I call that dithering.
    Get off the computer and get into the real world. :eek:

    I think you need professional help. Your doctor can steer you in the right direction.
  8. ChoiAndJohn
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    ChoiAndJohn Well-Known Member Trusted Member

    Ouch. That's kind of brutal and to the point. Don't be offended David. I think people on here mainly mean well. It does seem to me though, in the kindest possible way, that a chat with a therapist would indeed give you clarity. I am sure you that you would agree that it's rather unusual for someone to talk online with a potential love interest for five years whilst she is seeing other men, and whilst seemingly remaining celibate all the while.
    However, if that way of running your life works for you and you are happy with it, then, it is what it is - but then you have to expect a repeat of this sort of episode and accept come what may uncomplainingly, since it seems likely that most women will not share your enthusiasm for this approach.
  9. Davidshush
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    Davidshush New Member

    Why would I plan to see someone who doesn't indicate they want to see me? I can't dither about something if it's not an option at the time. When it became an option I set wheels in motion. The lesson I get from that is not to trust so easily. I trusted that she was always being honest with me, she wasn't. I also learned that if you like someone then you should just go for it sooner rather than later. That was definitely a big mistake.

    On the flip side, this other bf of hers has been telling her he will come see her for the past 3 years. I don't know what it says about him that he already has a wife there either?

    I spent a couple of years getting over an ex. This girl kind of took over that. I was never expecting anything to come of it until right towards the end. When you don't feel good enough for anyone you don't see yourself being with anyone. Maybe I'll repeat this again, but I'm definitely not as trusting now. I just believed everything that came out of her mouth as gospel. The more I think about it the more the cracks appear.

    I reckon I'll be OK, just sucks.
  10. ChoiAndJohn
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    ChoiAndJohn Well-Known Member Trusted Member

    If you look at the above sentence, you'll see why I think that a chat with a therapist might be useful for you. At the end of the day, until you're happy with yourself, I don't think you'll be happy with anyone else either. Women like confident, upbeat people. If you're not happy with yourself then you'll project that like a shadow around you and find it hard. Join a club. Get out in the world with real people. Join a gym. See a therapist. This is all good advice.. seriously. :)
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  11. CampelloChris
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    CampelloChris Well-Known Member

    That would be enough for me. An LDR needs greater levels of honesty and trust than a 'normal' relationship. I think this woman has abused that trust. Either that or she didn't consider you as hubby material, and has moved on.

    Although there are varying levels of patience and tact on show in the replies and advice that you have received, we are all at agreement with one particular point - that this woman is a hell of a lot less interested in you than you are with her. The advice has been given to you freely, and in the greater part, in good spirit, although the cracks are beginning to show.

    I wonder if you are looking for reinforcement of your own - in the general opinion of the members - skewed opinion of the validity of your relationship.

    I don't agree that there is a desperate need for you to undergo therapy, but then that's coming from an emotionally-stunted dysfunctional misfit such as me.

    I do think however that you need to remember the old army saying:

    If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is....
    a duck.

    The woman could not tell you that she loved you. She has seen other men during your 'relationship'. She has a boyfriend. She spent time in hotel rooms with other men. She wasn't overly keen on you going over to see her. Is that enough, or should we talk about her history too?

    Time to move on David.

    To be fair, she has been useful to you in a few ways. She has provided you with an emotional crutch on which to rest while you got over your ex, and hopefully you are in a better place now that you believe that it is time to consider finding somebody. Just don't keep believing that your 'somebody' is her.
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  12. Bootsonground
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    Bootsonground BANNED

    Ok ,so I own more than a few apartments rented by foreigners and their new GF`s BFF here etc blah blah..
    Never thought I would be into social relationship work and stuff but it seems that its par for the course here..
    I could tell you stories that would make your hair go curly even if you were as bald as a Coot.. Buyer beware!!!!!
    Nightmare!!
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  13. aposhark
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    aposhark Well-Known Member Lifetime Member

    All of this pussyfooting around is not going to help David, IMO.
    He will try to justify his actions until the cows come home and this thread will go on and on.......
    I feel sorry for him but he asked us if he was crazy, I don't know about that but he needs to get back on the right path to regain self esteem and the faster the better so he can once more enjoy the many physical delights the opposite sex can provide.

    In my experience, women don't lick their wounds for years and years after a setback, as the Filipina he has been interested in did, and neither should he.
    Last edited: Mar 31, 2016
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  14. steven
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    steven Active Member

    time to move on David. I know its easy said than done etc etc but find a nice respectful Filipina and you will soon put all this behind you.
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  15. aposhark
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    aposhark Well-Known Member Lifetime Member

    She will put it all behind him ;)

    (It's a lonely old world..........if you try hard enough.)
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  16. graham59
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    graham59 Well-Known Member

    Always easier to sit fantasizing in front of a computer , rather than 'biting the bullet'. ;)

    .
    Fantasea.jpg
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