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Am I Crazy?

Discussion in 'Personal Discussions' started by Davidshush, Mar 21, 2016.

  1. Davidshush
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    Davidshush New Member

    Hi, I joined the website a few weeks ago after reading some of the posts offering advice on all aspects of meeting and marrying someone from the Philippines. So I value the opinion/advice of people here if they have the time to read a bit about my situation.

    I met(online) an amazing woman 5 years ago. We got on quite well right away and although there are differences(she is a superstitious Catholic/Christian) and I'm an atheist, we seemed to "click".

    Very early on I developed feelings for her but didn't say much as I assumed she was out of my league and had a number of other potential partners throwing themselves at her. During the past 5 years we had many conversations that were pretty deep but I always felt like she was holding back. I never pushed her to become emotional as I didn't want to scare her away.

    After 5 years I began thinking maybe I would be in with a chance if she still wasn't having much luck, and recently my dad suffered a cardiac arrest right in front of me, forcing me to realise that life soon passes by so perhaps shooting for the stars isn't such a bad idea sometimes.

    So a few weeks ago I opened up to her, I told her exactly how much I wanted to be with her, we talked on the phone, she said she felt the same way...except when I told her I love her she replies with just "thanks".

    She also seems to "disappear" for a day or 2, sometimes 3 at a time without letting me know before hand. Before I expressed my hopeless love for her this wasn't a problem. But if you claim to feel the same way about someone would this be considered "normal" or "healthy" communicative behaviour?

    The first time I was convinced she'd died. A gas bottle explosion, a random bullet from a shooting, a car accident etc. The second time I thought she'd suddenly "gone off" me. The last time happened today, the 2nd day I thought perhaps she had met someone else. Turns out she hasn't and went away with family but for some reason didn't let me know beforehand.

    Each time this happens I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't function. I sit and I cry and I wish the ground would just open up and swallow me. I also sent some pretty strong messages this last time insisting that if she doesn't contact me soon then I can't see how we can continue in whatever it is we have as it's tearing me apart. Nothing angry or name calling, well perhaps a bit angry, but more of a somewhat controlled panic?

    A few things to note and I apologise for the horrible scatter gun writing. I'm 34, she is 28. She has an 8 year old son. When we first started talking she quickly said she liked me a lot back then and I distinctly remember her talking about possibly moving to Japan after her studies. Last month she told me her last boyfriend was Japanese who basically came over 3 years ago, had sex with her, told her she was too fat and then left. Previous to him was a Filipino guy who fathered the child.

    She has also told me about at least 3 other "foreigners" she's met up with but claims nothing has happened with them although she did apparently stay in the hotels.

    So am I crazy to get into such a state as I do? I have been single for 8 years and I don't do one night stands, so I've been "sex free" for that time as well. At first I was getting over an ex, then I met this girl online and I could only think about her. Knowing that whilst I had her on my mind she was meeting others(and not telling me until much later) has been playing on my mind a lot the past couple of weeks.

    She never asks for money but I know she struggles. She moved back in with her mum, brothers, sisters, etc. after her dad died just over a year ago. I'm so confused by the way she treats me but is it my diseased brain going crazy or do I have some genuine concerns by the sounds of what I'm spewed out here? When she's giving me attention everything else fades away.

    Also my financial position is somewhat unsteady and I'm not entirely convinced someone with my experience or background etc. can make enough to keep flying out to see her, get married, sort out the needed income for living in the UK, yadda yadda. I'm basically lower class scum(I don't claim benefits!). Even saving to see her once would be a strain.

    Am I crazy? Am I sucking on a pipe dream that's going to explode? Any advice on how to proceed would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading.
  2. ChoiAndJohn
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    ChoiAndJohn Well-Known Member Trusted Member

    Welcome to the forum.

    I reckon that your post contains all the answers to your own questions. I feel that you just don't want to see them. I also feel that you've fallen in love with an 'idea' rather than reality. You've been talking online to this person for so long without actually meeting that you've formed a whole mental fantasy picture of what she is actually like as a person. That can't be good. My particular points, in no particular order would be:

    1. I feel that the 'I love you', with a 'thanks' response is telling you something important. That she doesn't feel the same way. And to be honest, lets not forget you haven't met in person!

    2. In order for you to be together in the UK, you will need an income in excess of £18,600 (for just her) rising to about £22,000 (for her and the child).

    3. You need to be able to afford to repeatedly visit this person in the Philippines. Indeed, you need to be able to visit this person at least once. You've never met in person. That's a big problem.

    4. It's also a bit odd that she vanishes for a few days at a time, and that she's met up with other foreign guys and stayed in hotels. I would be a bit careful there.

    Bottom line. My view is, I feel you should either get yourself in a financial position to be able to visit the Philippines and satisfy the income requirements and make this dream of a relationship a reality, or, say goodbye and find yourself a nice British Girl.

    Good luck.
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  3. Aromulus
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    Aromulus The Don Staff Member

    Yup.. you have raised your own red flags there...
    I concur with the previous assessment.

    Try to edit yourself out of it...
  4. HaloHalo
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    HaloHalo Well-Known Member Lifetime Member

    I agree with the others here. The disappearing act for me says it all, very telling. Look elsewhere. Oh, welcome to the forum too. The very best of luck.
  5. CampelloChris
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    CampelloChris Well-Known Member

    Tell me David, do you ever get ringing noises in your ears? Those are your internal alarm bells going off.

    They say that the best thing to do when you fall off a horse is to get straight back in the saddle. You just need to make sure it's a different horse. Go online and meet people. Just don't fall in love with someone that you have never met.
    • Agree Agree x 1
  6. bigmac
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    bigmac Well-Known Member Trusted Member

    hi david--welcome to the forum.

    when you say you met online--very common these days----were you actively searching for a philippina--? or did she find you ?
  7. graham59
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    graham59 Well-Known Member

    Time to move on.

    Time to start saving for an airticket to meet some new friends... if you want them to be Filipinas. :like:
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  8. Timmers
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    Timmers Well-Known Member Trusted Member

    @Davidshush I felt a little sad reading your story, you obviously think a lot of the girl you met online

    If I was a betting man I would say that your odds are 100-1 against that you will end up in a serious relationship with this girl.

    You sound like a really pleasant chap, find yourself a Filipina that deserves you.
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  9. CapasPaul
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    CapasPaul New Member

    Oh, David! You're infatuated. But come on, let's be brutally honest, 5 years and you've never met the girl? Even if the girl had feelings for you, there's hardly any girl on the planet who's going to devote herself for 5 years to someone who may ultimately flake out on her. If she meets other guys, who cares? She's looking for love, security and/or money. A girl's got to do what a girl's got to do.

    If only once, you need to take yourself over to the Philippines. Don't put all your eggs in one basket and think you will experience love's young dream with the girl. Take a chance and see how it goes. If things go pear shaped after the 1st day (which I'd rate at 50/50), there's plenty more fish in the sea. Honestly.

    Experiencing it all in the flesh will either extinguish the fantasies you have, or give you something to aspire for. It might give you a kick up the arse for career progression if your financial situation is precarious.

    I know nobody can judge, but a single guy in his 30s shouldn't have too many financial liabilities.
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  10. firew0myn
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    firew0myn Active Member

    Hi @Davidshush! :welcome: My answer is from a woman's point of view, a Filipina one to be exact :) She's not into you otherwise she won't disappear for a day or two without saying anything beforehand. Filipinas enjoy being wooed but we don't disappear on the face of the planet just so men would chase over us or to make them profess their undying love to us over and over. This is especially true if we like the guy. If she's like that then she's the crazy one not you.

    Filipinas aren't known to be very liberated. But I can only think of two things that would make us go with a foreigner (and stay in their hotel room) (1) we really like the guy (2) we only want something from the guy (money, sex, whatever) but not really like them enough to commit to them. Some Filipinas may disagree with me on this but that's my take on it.

    If you really think you like her, then take the leap of faith and travel to the Philippines to see her. Until then, my advice is to not emotionally invest anymore. I know easier said than done, but the more you do then the harder it is to get over it if it comes to that. Five years is way too long in my opinion. I don't think it's also fair to any of you to be "in a relationship" unless you have seen each other, spent time together, etc.

    I don't know what the dating scene is like in the UK. My fella hasn't dated for maybe longer than you've had before we met but he just can't be bothered. Maybe it will be healthier for you to go out and socialize instead of investing so much of your energy and time to someone you're not even sure feels the same way as you do.

    Good luck David!
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2016
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  11. subseastu
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    subseastu I'm Bruce Wayne Lifetime Member

    He and welcome. I can't add anything to what others here have already said but this this flags up so many things that are wrong I'd be distancing myself from this woman asap. I know it's hard to contemplate but it'll save you alot of grief in the future. I personally think she's only telling you part of the story and after 5 years thats not good enough.

    Personally and if the funds allow I'd look at going over for a holiday (not to see this girl though), travel a round the Philippines and get a taste for it remembering of course that holidays do tend to romantise the experience. You may get lucky and find a girl who you get on with really well, is honest and truthful.
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  12. aposhark
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    aposhark Well-Known Member Lifetime Member

    Hi David,
    Five years without visiting her is ridiculous, quite frankly. :eek:
    She is a real person with feelings and she will be disappointed.
    I am surprised she has kept in touch and you really should visit her.
    Sorry for being blunt.
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  13. Bootsonground
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    Bootsonground Well-Known Member

    Crikey! You lot leave claire rayner in the dust!!
    • Funny Funny x 3
  14. graham59
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    graham59 Well-Known Member

    How some guys think they can have a meaningful relationship, yet alone a marriage with a lady from a country on the other side of the world without visiting that country, understanding something of its culture, and meeting the lady and her family, is just beyond me. Do they think that she will arrive in a parcel through the post, her country and family forgotten ?
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  15. Garydarby84
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    Garydarby84 Member

    when i met my now fiance, it was when i knew that i loved this woman and she loves me that i decided to go over and meet her, now i go over every couple of months for 4-8 weeks, however long i can basically, initially i was unsure about going, even though we just clicked right from the start, but once i knew she was the one i just had to take the chance and go visit her.

    doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or says, if you truly love her and want to try have a future, the first step is asking her if its what she wants too, if it is, then go visit her, even if its just for a week or 2, having a long distance relationship is hard, being so far away, but when youre finally together its worth it and nothing else matters
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  16. Dave_E
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    Dave_E Well-Known Member Trusted Member

    When your best friends live in your computer...

    You need to get out and meet them. ;)
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  17. Timmers
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    Timmers Well-Known Member Trusted Member

    No stone left unturned on the forum Boots :)
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  18. ChoiAndJohn
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    ChoiAndJohn Well-Known Member Trusted Member

    I suspect that the original poster has lost interest in this thread..
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  19. CampelloChris
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    CampelloChris Well-Known Member

    Still visiting the site but maybe not getting the response/encouragement to carry on that he hoped for.

    It's tough to be told that you are wasting your time, and David must feel that he should 'defend her honour'. But I think most responses to his post have been well-meaning.

    I chased/waited for a woman for twelve years. I received the same kind of advice as members on here have given to David, but being stubborn and arrogant, I decided to carry on regardless, feeling that I knew better.

    I didn't.
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  20. ChoiAndJohn
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    ChoiAndJohn Well-Known Member Trusted Member

    Still, better five years than twelve. :eek: My goodness..

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