Hi Folks, We have all read about the risks involved with Internet dating and the pitfalls associated with unscrupulous girlfriends asking for money early on. My problem is quite the opposite! Money is a really big deal to my Mahal because she is incredibly financially independent. She and her sister have toiled at college and subsequently in work to raise themselves and their family to the point where they can afford to live a simple life in a modest house. Previously they were living cheek by jowl with every aunty and uncle and cousin under the sun in a shanty in Caloocan. My Mahal is not ashamed at all of her background, but is justifiably proud of what she has been able to achieve. I too am proud of what she has done. We are to be married in October (prep is a nightmare, but we're getting there). I've advised her that she should resign from her job at a suitable time so that at the beginning of October she can be free to organise the final wedding arrangements with me (wedding is 23rd). This will obviously stop her ability to contribute to the monthly running of the house. She basically hands over 75% of her salary to her mama every fortnight (paid fortnightly), the remainder is her allowance. Her sister does the same. Neither her mother or father work, and I understand that this is a fairly common situation in the Philippines. I have offered to help (and I genuinely want to, her family are lovely and I love them too) during the period between her resignation and whenever she can start to earn for herself in the UK. I'm prepared for this to be in perpetuity, but I know her instinct will be to still provide for her family herself. So I'm also looking into the possibility of her starting an eBay business or the like... I know the reality is she will be pregnant fairly quickly (fingers crossed) so any ideas of her working a regular job are not really practical. She has already told me she would never consider childcare other than her own and I agree that this is the best way to raise a family, so I will support her in that. Anyway, I'm digressing slightly... The crux of the situation is that she is having a hard time accepting that I will be taking her role temporarily to support her family. A really hard time. She told me she has been thinking and stressed about it all last night. Obviously I find this distressing too, that something that is trivial to me from a financial point of view (my contribution would represent only around 7.5% of my take home pay) should be causing her this pain. Obviously I understand that it's a big psychological hurdle for her to get over, and having to rely on someone else for financial assistance is something she has not had to do for over 4 years now. I'm struggling to find ways of helping her deal with this, but I want her to be as happy as possible at the moment in the run up to our wedding (stressful enough as it is). Does anyone have any suggestions as to how we can deal with this problem?
Actually I think you have an extreme form of a fairly common situation. It is very tough for anyone to find themselves wholly dependent on someone else in a foreign country. Yet that is the situation of any Filipina marrying a foreigner and moving to his country. She will naturally want to get back to work as soon as she can, just to have her own money, yet the British Government will insist that she does not work and becomes wholly dependent on you for a time after her arrival. I recognise these symptoms because Kay and her elder sister Mel run a little business supplying foreign "extras" to the Filipino film industry - not something that she can do here. One thought is - put her in charge of your finances - it is traditional in the Phillipines for the wife to run the household budget and she will find dealing with the council tax, gas bill, etc, mentally quite demanding to begin with.
Methersgate, thanks for your reply. Great ideas for the future, I'm wondering what coping techniques we can apply to help her with the thoughts she's having now. Her concern is mostly about me making her contribution to her family, rather than about her own dependence on me, but I guess it mostly amounts to the same thing. Realistically, with marriage in October, she won't be here before the New Year 2014. I'm intrigued by the comment about the government preventing her from work. I understand that the right to work comes with the spousal visa... but I must admit to being naive as to the actual process once she has arrived. Can you offer more insight?
Now, unless the regs have changed since my wife arrived here in the British Isles, then the wife can work if she is here on a Spouse visa. However if she arrives here on a Fiancee visa then she cannot work here legally until FLR is gained after marriage here. From what you say, it sounds like you are marrying in the Philippines?
Hi John. Yes, absolutely, we are marrying in the Philippines so she will arrive for the first time on a spouse visa.
Thanks John! Mark - I was mistaken about the spouse visa - My ex-wife arrived via an unusual route - we were both living in China, we visited the UK on holiday and we decided, on the spur of the moment, to settle here, so she had arrived on a visit visa and had to apply for leave to remain and futher leave to remain. If your mahal really doesn't want to stop work to organise the wedding, I'd suggest that, rather than "push" her to stop work, you just say "fine - carry on", on the principle that "if you want something done, you give it to a busy woman!" She will either carry on working and organise everything whilst working or she will realise that she has to stop work, but, in either case, the benefit is that YOU won't have "made her" become dependent on you. That's far more important than a less than perfect wedding day.
OK Good. My wife was going to work here. We went down to the job centre and stuff and talked to them about it and there was no issue. But in the end she fell pregnant so that was the end of that!
If at all possible, you should encourage your fiancee to continue working until such time as she has her UK settlement visa and to take a leave of absence for the wedding and honeymoon. However, organising a wedding in the Philippines is a time consuming exercise in logistics and she and her parents will need help both financial and actual. It is important that her parents be observed to be putting-on a big show for their daughter - it's not so much a case of "keeping up with the Joneses" it's more like "surpassing the Joneses". There's a lot to organise - far more than for a UK wedding - and I would suggest to you that you agree with your intended that you will provide and pay for someone to organise it all as well as the wedding itself. This will remove a big problem for your fiancée and her family. I can put you in touch with an Expat and his (Filipina) wife who have organised countless weddings on a variety of budgets. They are 100% honest and account for every peso spent but more importantly, they will ensure that every detail is covered and that your Big Day is a day you'll both treasure. Let me know if you want their contact details. A typical Filipino wedding goes something like this: Male principals - you, the bride's father, your six supporters and the male half of your sponsors - would normally wear a Barong Tagalog however yours and the bride's father's should be matching and more ornate than the others'; that is normally worn over a plain white vest or T-shirt. Black trousers and black shoes would also be worn for a traditional wedding (if you're planning to marry on a beach, then ignore this dress code!). The bride's mother, the bridal supporters (of which there are normally six) and the flower girls will all wear the same colour of dress and of course, her supporters' dresses should all match in style. Again, the bride's mother's dress will be more ornate but not overshadow her daughter. You will need to provide small presents for each of your twelve supporters and the flower girls and the bride's parents. You can optionally provide the same small present to each of the sponsors, if you wish. The marriage can take place almost anywhere provided the celebrant is happy to perform the legal stage at your chosen venue. Those involving a religious service always take place in a Church however the actual marriage is a legal undertaking rather than religious. At the wedding "breakfast", you and the bride will sit alone at your own table, normally on a stage of some description. It is from that area that all the speeches and toasts will be made. Her parents and the remaining sponsors will be sat at what is known as the Presidential Table whilst your supporters (without their partners) are normally sat boy-girl-boy-girl (etc) at their own table. However, at the conclusion of the meal and speeches, seating arrangements can - and often do - change. After the speeches, the band will normally play for the first dance - often a waltz - and you and your bride take to the dance floor. During this dance, it is the custom for guests to pin money to the bride's dress, the first to do so will be the bride's parents, followed by the other sponsors. Once that is over, general dancing can begin. Usually quite early on, the MC will place a chair either on or in front of the stage and ask all the single men to gather on one side and opposite to them, all the single women. The bride then places her left foot on the seat and hitches up her wedding dress to reveal her garter. The groom then kneels before her and removes the garter without using his hands - to much encouragement from all present. The bride then throws her bouquet towards the single ladies and the groom does likewise with the garter towards the single men. Very often the MC will invite the "lucky pair" to dance together. This marks the end of the "formal" part of the wedding and the bride is free to change into something more suitable for the remainder of the reception.
Phew! (How glad am I that I have persuaded my bride to be to get married in a simple ceremony in Hong Kong!)
