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One Liners

Discussion in 'Humour' started by Micawber, Oct 21, 2015.

  1. Micawber

    Micawber Renowned Lifetime Member

    I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any :(

    Somewhere between murder and suicide there's a place called Merseyside :eek:

    I just heard about a really dangerous insect in the Philippines, it's that hepatitus Bee :rolleyes:

    Then there's a dangerous place to swim and that's the hepatitus sea o_O

    Went to an English theme pub last night.The beer was flat and the food had just finished. :D
    • Funny Funny x 1
  2. Aromulus

    Aromulus The Don Staff Member

    Best one I ever heard.......

    Do you know what gives kids a bad name.???

    The Beckhams............
  3. ChoiAndJohn

    ChoiAndJohn Well-Known Member Trusted Member

    Some of my personal favourite lines, admittedly not one-line jokes:

    • A village somewhere is missing it's idiot.
    • Calling you merely stupid, would be an insult to stupid people.
    • If you were twice as intelligent, you would be a half-wit.
    • You set low standards and then consistently fail to achieve them.
    • People like you, who think you know everything, annoy those of us that do.
    • She was inconceivably ugly. A pig born looking like her would demand plastic surgery.
    • Britain is the only country in the world where the food is more dangerous than the sex.
    • The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is.
    • Arguing with him is like trying to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time, and it annoys the pig.
    • <person> doing <something> is rather like watching a dog walk on its hind legs. The marvel isn't that it's done well, it's that it's done at all.
    • Funny Funny x 1
  4. aposhark

    aposhark Well-Known Member Lifetime Member

    These one liners are from Rodney Dangerfield:

    I'm a bad drinker. I got loaded one night the next day they picked me up. I was in front of a judge. He said, "You're here for drinking." I said, "O.K., Your Honor, let's get started."

    I tell ya she was old. When she was born the Dead Sea wasn't even sick.

    One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

    Doctors say when you have sex you lose 150 calories. I had sex once. I lost even more: 150 calories, my watch and my wallet.

    With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.

    When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me...... and no one showed up.

    I tell you I don't get no respect. Why, the Surgeon General, he offered me a cigarette.

    When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me...... and no one showed up.

    With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

    What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

    I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. Well, I told him I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

    I don't get no respect at all from my dog. Well, he keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

    With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

    I tell you, I can't take it no more. My dog found out we look alike, he killed himself.

    I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

    When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, "I'm gonna run away from home." She said, "On your mark..."

    When I was a kid I got no respect. My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

    With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

    When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

    With my old man I got no respect. When he told me I should start at the bottom. He was teaching me how to swim.

    With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

    When I was a kid I got no respect. Every week my old man took me to the zoo. I found out he was trying to make a trade.

    When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.

    When I was a kid I got no respect. I asked my old man if I could go ice skating on the lake. He told me to wait till it gets warmer.

    When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.

    When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.

    With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.

    Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said "Are you Louise?" She said, "Are you Rodney?" I said, "Yeah." She said, "I'm not Louise."

    When I was a kid I got no respect. My old man took me to a freak show. They said, "Get the kid out, he's distracting from the show."

    With girls I don't get no respect. When I was makin' love to one girl she started to cry. I said to her, "You'll hate yourself in the morning." She said, "No, I hate myself now!"

    With my dog I don't get no respect. His favorite bone is in my finger.

    With my wife I don't get no respect. Why she kisses the dog on the lips and she won't drink from my glass.

    With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to "the best woman a man ever had." The waiter joined me.

    With my wife I don't get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. My wife lit it!

    With my wife I don't get no respect. Last night some guy knocked on the front door. She told me to hide in the closet.

    When I was born I got no respect. When the doctor told my mother, "I did all I could but he pulled through anyway."

    With my wife I don't get no respect. I got no sex life. In my house we put the mirror over the dogs bed.

    With my wife I don't get no respect. She told me she wanted sex in the back seat of the car. I drove her and that guy around all night.

    With my wife I don't get no respect. I told her when I die I wanna be cremated. She's planning a barbeque.

    With my wife I don't get no respect. When I had diabetes she kept sending me candy grams.

    With my wife I don't get no respect. I bought a used car. And found my wife's dress in the back seat.

    With my wife I don't get no respect. She told me when we have sex, that's the only time I make her laugh.

    With my wife I get no respect. I took her to a drive-in movie. I spent the whole night tryin' to find out what car she was in.

    I tell ya I get no respect. I told my dentist to put in a new tooth to match my other teeth. He put in a tooth with four cavities.

    Last Christmas I got no respect. In my stocking, I got an odor-eater.

    I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.

    When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was lost on the beach and the cop helped me look for my parents I said, "Do you think we'll find them?" He said, "I don't know, kid, there's so many places they could hide."

    It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

    I get no respect. This last week my tie was on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!

    I get no respect at all. I donated to a sperm bank. Now I'm the father of three puppies.

    I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetery plot. The guy said, "There goes the neighborhood!"

    Last week, I had a bad experience. I went top a nude beach. They kicked me out. Yeah, they told me it's impolite to point.

    I tell ya, I got no sex life. When my dog watches me in the bedroom, he wants to learn how to beg. He taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

    I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don't chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers.

    When I was a kid, I was poor. I never got an x-ray. My old man would hold me up to the light.

    Before I got married, my wife told me, "Don't talk about sex until we get married." We got married and she told me, "Now you can talk about it all you want."

    I tell ya, nothin' goes right. I bought a Japanese car. I turn on the radio. I don't understand a word they're sayin.'

    This girl was ugly. I took her to a dog show. She won.

    I tell ya, my wife is never nice. She won a trip to Las Vegas for two. She went twice.

  5. Micawber

    Micawber Renowned Lifetime Member

    Laughter is the best medicine :lol:
  6. Micawber

    Micawber Renowned Lifetime Member

    Tommy Cooper Cooperisms

    Went to the paper shop - it had blown away. the other day.

    I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

    Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

    Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

    Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.

    A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.

    I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

    I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu. So I went, and I got it.'

    I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

    A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'

    A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

    A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'. The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'.

    So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.
    Last edited: Oct 23, 2015
    • Funny Funny x 1
  7. Micawber

    Micawber Renowned Lifetime Member

    More Cooperisms :-

    I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

    "Man went into a bar. He went 'Ouch'. It was an iron bar."

    "Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no (h)arm in it' "

    'I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant.

    I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold. 'He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.' I said, 'Not only that. 'I said, I said... I said it twice, I said, 'He's got one leg shorter than the other. 'He said, 'What do you wanna do with it, eat it or dance with it?'
    I said, 'Forget the chicken, give me a lobster, and he brought me this lobster. I said just a minute, he's only got one claw. 'He said 'Well he's been in a fight. 'I said, 'Well give me the winner.'

    So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

    Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "so are you, you fat bast**d!"

    D'you know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said "Parking Fine." So that was nice.

    I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
  8. Micawber

    Micawber Renowned Lifetime Member

    I only ever had to just see Tommy Cooper and I break out laughing.
    Here's more:-

    My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.

    How do you get out of prison? Rub your hands together until they're sore, then use the saw to chop through the bars...

    I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'. I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'. He said 'How can I help?'. I said 'Break my arms!'

    So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

    So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

    But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

    Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

    You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

    The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Do you get my drift?".

    So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

    So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
    • Like Like x 1
  9. Micawber

    Micawber Renowned Lifetime Member

    Alright, last one promise :-

    So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

    And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

    So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".

    So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

    And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.

    "Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in.

    "He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. ' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

    I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

    Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners
    • Funny Funny x 1
  10. Drunken Max

    Drunken Max Well-Known Member Trusted Member

    Why would anyone marry a dominatrix? Beats me.

    40 is the new 30, unless its in front of a speed camera

    Dyslexia is an anagram of horse

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