Hello everyone. As stated in my introduction in the Introduce Yourself thread, I'm currently in a relationship with an Englishman, and sometimes I'm left confounded by it. First, a little more background. We met through work and sort of pretty much hit things off since then. I had a boyfriend when I met him and he knew about it but things were rocky at best during those times (agh, horror story). When I was about to break up with the ex, he graciously gave me the space to think things through but expressed that he wants me for himself. After a little mulling (it was an easy decision to make, honestly), I broke up with the ex finally and I've never felt freer. I've been going out with him ever since. I remember giving him a warning that since I just came from a relationship, there may be times that I'd be a wreck, as ending relationships do to you. He said that he understood it, and that I should count on him during moments like this. I'm 26 and he is 46. The age difference doesn't really bother me because believe me when I say that this is the first time I've been with someone who really synced with me and my interests. He's 6'7" and I stand at 5'5", which suits me perfectly because I love wearing heels whenever I go out (the ex was my height so my feet were deprived of heels during the time we were together. I actually relished in buying new shoes the moment I broke up with him because I'd finally get to wear heels all the time.). We both love dogs, books, learning new things, art, literature, history, and being with him is easy, it's next to breathing. Whenever we get into a tiff or misunderstanding, I tell him that in the moments that we were apart, I couldn't breathe normally, and it's as if air is lacking from my surroundings, and it's true. He jokes that it's just my asthma and then gives me a kiss afterwards. We're most comfortable hanging out in the condo with a good book in each of our hands or watching/listening to the BBC (The Unbelievable Truth, win!). The rhythm and sound of his heartbeat is the best lullaby on the planet and I feel at home and myself most when I'm with him. There are moments though when I feel like he's distant. I don't know if it's because of the disparities in the culture or what but... maybe I just have this idea in my head that you're supposed to want to be with the person you love constantly and I get disappointed when the response is yes (yes, it is) but done in a very distant manner. He can be distant one minute then very sweet and loving the next and it confuses me. He also doesn't want to talk about his feelings or what he's feeling towards the whole relationship itself and I think I'm a little frustrated because of that. I don't doubt his fidelity but maybe what I'm doubting is the depth of his feelings. I'd appreciate any inputs you'd be able to give. Thank you in advance.
Looks to me like you're doing just fine. Some people just have their quiet moments too. Just give him some space and wait for him yo come back. There. That's my agony aunt bit for the day over with.
First of all, Melissa, welcome to the Forum! There may be any number of reasons why he appear to be pre-occupied and distant: work-related problems or issues may be one. It is also possible that he's concerned by the possibility of a negative reaction to his relationship with you by his close friends and family. You see, many English men are brought-up to believe that the optimum age for one's partner is half the man's age plus six years and you're a little younger than that, though not by much. It is also possible that he has recently emerged from a bad marriage and therefore may need time to heal. Or he may quite simply need a little quiet time to himself. Just give him the time and space he needs and as your relationship progresses, he will slowly and surely confront his demons. Are you in the Philippines or elsewhere?
Hi Melissa! Welcome to the forums The way I see it, your relationship seems ok, it isn't picture perfect but it's something what other couples experience as well. I don't think it has anything to be with being an inter racial relationship but just the mysteries of men and women. Have you talked to him about it? It could be as simple as zoning out (my husband does this), work related stress, personal issues, etc. It's best to communicate with him about this concern of yours so the both of you can address it. How long have you been together and has this been going on for a while or just now?
There's a section in "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" that explains that men like to go into the "cave" to sort things out in their heads. Sometimes women make the mistake of trying to pull him out of the cave to talk.
Thank you, Markham. We're both here in the Philippines, in Manila to be exact. As far as I know, he's never been married. Thank you for explaining that bit about the age thing and how it relates to his family and friends' perception. As far as I know, he's told his mum about us. There's a little strain regarding work so maybe that's the cocktail that's affecting him. I told him that I'll be here for him whatever happens and he knows it. I just feel alone whenever he suddenly withdraws and I'm left unaware on what to do.
Thank you, blue_acid. We've been together for almost 3 months now; fairly new, I know. I mentioned this to him before but I think we need to discuss it a little bit more. I don't mind giving him space; I know I too need it from time to time. I just want to have an early warning of some sort so I'll know to when to back off and not worry too much.
Melissa, I'm sure my knowledge and experience in these things are less than the other members here but believe me, you can't just "mention" it to your boyfriend and he will magically realize what's been bugging you and address your concerns. You have to sit down and talk to him seriously but nicely about it. He prolly doesn't even know that you've been feeling this way all this time. Although you have been together 3 months only, you guys can be in the adjustment stage still and are trying to gauge each other's personalities and quirks.
I am surprised that after only three months together that you are having issues, in my experience the first two or three years in a relationship are the honeymoon period then you start falling out . Twenty years age difference I know would not go down well in my family but it seems to work out for some people here at BF. I would say the average age difference of couples in the UK is around three or four years, the lady normally being the younger After a little more time together everything will come to the surface that is bothering him and you will then have a better idea on how to address the issues. You're obviously a very bright and intelligent young lady and you will make the right decisions, he may not be Mr right, then again he could be, time only will tell you that. Good luck young lady
Timmers, I think it also depends on the couple. When my husband and I first started dating and first got married, a lot of our arguments and misunderstanding during the first few months. I guess we were just a bit more transparent with each other hence no more best foot forward. It was the time where our cultural differences, beliefs, traditions, etc were put into the test as reality kicked in for us. Imagine, we were on our honeymoon and the first week, we kept on arguing! But everything panned out well and we hardly argue anymore
Markham, it takes one to know one, right? LOL kidding I hope he was but I think we got to know each other well and know how to and not to push each other's buttons. Plus he's a really peaceful chap
blue_acid: I feel you. Haha. Prior to us getting together, there were less than desirable things that happened from both our sides. Less than desirable in the context of starting a new relationship. We've seen how each other can be without their best foot forward, to use your term, and I'm actually more comfortable with that. I don't mind being put on a pedestal but to be in that phase constantly without seeing how you'd fare when you're not on it is kind of scary for me. Despite everything that is happening, I'd like to think that what you said maybe true, that we're still adjusting to each other's quirks. Timmers: I actually want to have a honeymoon period in our relationship! I am waiting for it haha. I think though that it'll come later when we're finely tuned to each other, which is hmm, better for us, I think. Darn it. Really? 20 years would be frowned upon in your family? I hope I got someone who's family would think otherwise. I'm really an in-laws pleaser LOL. Even in my previous relationships I get chummy with the ex's family and I manage to be really good friends with them to the point that even if the relationship has ended, we'd still be in contact with each other. But I agree with what you said, that time is the ultimate teller of how we're going to fare in the long run. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
Well, 20 years is a huge age gap that any family from any country would be wary about.. so if this is really true love, don't sweat it because they're bound to accept it anyways. It just takes more effort and more time getting used to it. Just open up to him about your concern, you might realize that this is all for naught. Funny, my husband and I met during the time that we both came from bad relationships, him for a scheming Filipina and I from a cheating man so we had our issues to deal with but then if you have found the right partner in life, everything falls into place
The 20 year age gap doesn't bother me nor my family. My aunt even encouraged it because she knows that guys my age are, well, boys and I'd need a man. ^_^ That's wonderful to hear. I'm happy you've found each other.
Yea, what's wrong with a 20 year age gap! I'm sure those that enter into a relationship with a "huge" age difference understand what they are entering into.
