Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass, what made ya come?" Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I also knew that Mc Glynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat." The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?" Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all." The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?" Murphy slowly shook his head and said, "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat." A young minister was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held in a cemetery way out in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As he was not familiar with the backwoods area the minister got lost and being like some of the rest of us he did not stop and ask for directions. He finally arrived an hour late. He saw the back hoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse or the mourners was nowhere in sight. He apologized to the workers for his tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where he saw the vault lid already in place. He assured the workers that he wouldn't hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. And the preacher began. As he preached, some of the workers began to say "Amen", "Praise the Lord", "Glory", and "Alleluia". Well, it kind of got him going and he sort of got wound up and he preached like he'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations. He closed the lengthy service with a prayer, closed his bible and walked to his car. As he was opening the door and taking off his coat, he overheard one of the workers saying to another," I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for twenty years." A copper finds a man up an alleyway, with his fingers up a man’s bum. "What are you doing? " asks the copper. " Its alright. He’s been drinking and I’m trying to make him sick Constable.” "You won’t make him sick shoving your fingers up his backside!”says the copper. The man replies; "I will when I put them in his mouth" An attractive young woman walks into a bar. She signals for the barman to bring his face close to hers. "Are you the Manager? she asks, running her fingers through his hair. "No", he replies. "Can you give him a message please?" she asks, stroking his face and allowing two fingers to slip into his mouth, so he can suck them gently. She looks deep into his eyes and says; "Can you please tell him that there's no toilet paper? An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded Doctor's Waiting Room. As he approached the desk, the Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded Doctor's Room and say things like that." Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The Receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private." The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?" "I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
Some people are like Slinkys, are absolutely no use but put a smile on your face when you push them down the stairs.
We went into the local Indian restaurant and when eating our meal the waiter came over and said curry ok? To which i said go on then mate one song then sling your hook.
The Norse god Thor decided to become a mortal for a while and went down to earth. He met a beautiful girl and they spent the evening together. In the morning Thor decided to reveal his identity to the woman. "I'm Thor" he said. "You're thor!" she said, "Lithen buthter, I'm tho thor I can hardly thit down!"
> > EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 60 > > 1. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. 2. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. 3. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags. 4. Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.) 5. After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
A kid goes up to his dad and says, "what does a ****** look like?" His father says, "Son, before sex a ****** looks like a rose, with pink velvety petals, and the aroma of perfume." The kid says, "what about after sex?" His father says, "have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"
My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me, because I've been taking the p*ss out of her size. So I'm going all out to make it up to her tonight. I've got a good bottle of wine in and bought her the latest DVD box set of her favourite programme. When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favourite takeaway for her tea, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.
I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my ....... fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for. And what happens Christmas morning? That fat ...... with a beard gets all the credit!! Still I suppose its my fault for marrying her.
