Hello Kevin here and just starting a journey and happy to take advice. mostly very personal so here goes My wife passed nearly 3 year ago and I am in my mid 60s It time to decide my future and do not want to wait and have years of loneliness As I am still active and have a lot to offer other than youth From my past work life I travelled in Asia and worked with a lot of Pilipino men in the Oil Industry and at the time many friendships were formed. Never been to the Philippines though but aware of the challenges in developing countries and the poverty that can exist. I decided to see if I could meet a lady online and went onto a dating site for the first time, not knowing what the response would be especially at my age. To my surprise there was an avalanche of interest. After one day more than 150 contacts even ladies in the Uk which shocked me. The good thing is I have no interest in casual relationships and as I am well travelled and mature have automatic red flags. I wanted a quality lady regardless of status , Decency loyal and having old fashioned values, it was one hell of a mixture that contacted me. Many were obviously unsuitable but no judgement made. I ended making a top 10 then 5 eventually down to two lovely ladies visually perfect in my head despite myself maybe not the most eye catching inevitable with age. One of the ladies was off line for a long time which left my first choice Visually and profile. Currently been chatting for 2 weeks night and morning every day She is a junior school teacher has a son which I new from profile so went in eyes open despite being double complicated my age being a massive consideration. They live in the Provence very poor , ex partner left her as soon as she was pregnant and no matrried with kids in another province I was shocked how she lives yet turns out immaculate every day for school also her son the same. Not asked me for a thing but is overjoyed thinking she has a father for her son and a future husband. It is hard to slow her down as she is an absolute Gem Currently I intend going to visit mid November via Cebu and fly to the province We will have two weeks in Cebu for a great holiday and spoil her little boy then return her home and after return to the UK I expect it to go very well as I just wish I was 10 years younger but I was happily married so would never swap that. I need to do all my homework before making any commitment as with a child involved and with her building his hope I keep saying no decision until I return to the Uk as we haven’t met and don’t run before walking I fully understand when you marry a philipino you are expected to help the family at least a little I have already told her I cannot relocate to the Philippines as I have a big family and many grandchildren in the Uk One of the issue obviously is the cost in the Uk compared to the Philippines but lots of advantages in the Uk such as medical cost and quality , education etc A lot of xpats move to Asia to have lower living cost At present that doesn’t suit me and if I did it would be to Thailand as the infrastructure is so much better . My choice of Partner would be Philipino as the qualities are what I would want. Age difference would always be obvious as she is nearly 38 but a women who knows her own mind and will make that decision for herself after the holiday as I will. That’s currently where I am and hope it gives a decent introduction what I need from the forum is She needs to get passports as never flown even on a plane Is it better to get married in the Philippines or bring her to the Uk on a marriage Visa I have read the rules but her son would need school She can read and write on the computer adequately with small grammar mistakes , until we meet I cannot comment on her spoken English ,she said she is not fluent If all goes well I will set her up with online learning for her and her son I expect it to take up to six months but need advice on where to start She would want to work after a period as she wants to send money for her mum, I would support than until she was settled and earning. I read something about having to pay large amounts for NHS Cover so any advice would be great full Also the sequence required from starting Obviously once in the UK I would need extension after marriage either here or overseas. I think you will all get the drift so any help would be appreciated. I am very serious but lots of hurdles and costs so fingers crossed our first meeting and holiday goes well She even expects me to go to church in Cebu so I must be serious as it’s only been marriages and funerals. Many thanks wish me luck
Hi Kevin and welcome to the forum. Which province is she from? (ah I see you mention Cebu) I can see you know a lot already but you are also making a lot of statements that are quite worrying. People in the Philippines are poor period, there is a huge incentive to find a foreign sponsor, you are not going to have any real idea of the veracity of this person until you actually go there and meet her. You need to be careful when you do go there, you need to make sure you have a hotel that you can retreat to, to have your own safe space, it's not a safe country for everyone most of the time it is but you have no guarantees. With an existing child the jouney is going to be long, I can't personally tell you how long but it won't be six months the whole process will take years and cost up to ten grand maybe more not including your flights and other contact costs. I have kids in the Philippines, genetically mine, my son is nearly 17 and I've never been able to get them to the UK, my daughter is 14 with a British passport that needs renewed but she has never been here. It's late tonight and I am sure other guys on here will comment in more detail but even a passport application for a Filipino is complicated, they need to apply online to get an appointment and that can take a long time, they then need to attend the appointment with all appropriate documentation to make the actual application, fingers crossed. Yes there is an NHS charge and it is not small. Filipinos can be very religious "she expects you to go to church" I would not take that as an indication of how serious she is it can be part of the act when they are fishing for a foreigner, I was brought up Catholic but left the faith aged 14, I do go to church with my children and with the woman who was my partner when she is there but she's not always there in the Philippines, so often it is just me and the kids at church, personally I believe I should support my children in the faith until they are adults, I don't believe in any of it but it can provide a good moral grounding for a child and I want to leave it up to them to choose their own path without me lecturing. I do wish you luck but I would also say be very very very careful.
Thanks for a long reply I am doing exactly what you recommend security and safety wise that I am aware of what you say . The Provence is the island of Masbate So initially land in Cebu then fly to Masbate via Manila The Plan is to stay in a hotel in Masbate then after 3 days we all fly to Cebu for 11 days in a very good hotel. That’s the getting to know period but no Naivety from me I am very worldly wise having worked overseas for 40 years No decisions will be made until back in the Uk after the trip If it’s a nightmare it won’t happen regardless of how well we get on Too late in life if it could take years 6 moths max befor she would visit and without son it won’t happen Currently she hasn’t shown the slightest flaw and wanted me to move there Which won’t happen. I don’t want to kick off a nightmare so will put it down to experience if need be I was visiting Thailand anyway for the same period so the expense would have been similar Thanks for your warning I went through all that in my mind before planning the trip It took me 10 minutes on the site to whittle it down to one or two All the younger ones immediately deleted plus tattoo laden girls etc This lady after two weeks seems great so see how the holiday goes Certainly not asked for anything up to now but every women cost that regardless of country Many positive things like a teacher, seen here school I’d etc even pic of the classroom That in itself gives an idea of personality but after many hours of chatting no indication of concern just extremely poverty in comparison to ourself. I would never hold that against anybody in fact to work as hard as she does it’s a plus . I will take a big breath after the holiday and way the whole thing up Too many hurdles will prevent it happening The cost you mention being one which I could afford but just wouldn’t do it 5 K maybe certainly not 10K and the time I would want it done in 6 months realising initial Visa for marriage is 2.5 months then you extend So many hazards to overcome but the child is another problem school etc The national healt cost I stumbled on around 1500 pound per year so it’s a minefield Fist step is meeting and deciding Long eyelashes and short skirts won’t work but this lady is another world from that and appears a lovely sweet person who needs a leg up in life and deserves it We will see. Thanks for the info it’s all been take in kevin
Lots of people manage to sort the visa situation and one of the key things to think about is the child as wife is normally straight forward. Child will effectively double the visa costs. When we did it each child was exactly the same cost as wife's application. Additional complications come with children so don't assume straight forward and build a unique evidence trail for the child ensuring sole responsibility is shown. Also worth thinking about how you see the child in your life - step child, step child with parental responsibility or adopting - much further downstream before decisions need to be made but I would think through how you see it working especially if anything happened to her. If want to get married have effectively three options - do in philippines followed by spouse visa, do in uk on fiance visa, do in uk on marriage visa followed by return to Philippines to do spouse visa application. If taking child then worth getting some advice on impact of child as relatively straight forward on spouse visa route and marriage visitor visa route but not sure on how it works with fiance visit or if have to leave child in philippines while get married in uk and do fiance to spouse visa application. Spouse or fiance visas used to take three months to do not sure if longer or shorter now. Measure time from biometrics appointment to passport back. Costs of doing this add up but not all upfront as have either fiance visa cost followed by spouse visa cost six months later (flr1) followed by flr2 at 2.5 years latter and then ilr another 2.5 years later or spouse visa from philipines (flr1) then 2.5 years later (flr2) then 2.5 years (ilr). Citizenship is after ilr and more money. https://www.gov.uk/uk-family-visa Flr1 and fkr2 below are not called exactly that but are first visa application to come to uk and then extension to get to 5 year point when xam apply for ilr. Spouse visa - marriage in philippines first visa to UK £1538 (flr1), extension visa at 2.5 years £1048 (flr2), ilr £2404. Child will cost the same. Health charges are £1872 for flr1 and £1560 for flr 2 for wife and £1410 and £1175 for child. Total cost for first visa to UK about £6.5k (visa plus IHS charges) plus English test for wife and tb screening tests for wife and child. Extension at 2.5 years about £4.8K for wife and child including IHS charges and then ilr about £4.8k. Will end up taking the hit for first charges regardless but if go down adoption route could avoid the child charges which is why need to think about what future relationship with child is. Could spread some of child visa charges if willing to leave in philippines while sorting out wife visas and getting her moved. We were not willing to do that so took the heavy hit up front and did uk adoption as wanted security for the children. They now have british citizenship (acquire immediately when adopted in UK) while we wait until the 5 year point for wife.
welcome to the site. I could afford but just wouldn’t do it 5 K maybe certainly not 10K £10k is just for starters! If money is an issue--walk away. You have 2 main issues. You will need to prove to UKVI you have a long term and genuine relationship. How ? Her kid, She will have to prove she has sole responsibility for the child--not as easy as you might think. The age difference ?--Normal. Me 74 wife 52. We met here in the UK in 2011, she had a student visa. She just got her UK passport last week. Mission accomplished. Costs ? Ha--dont make me laugh.
Welcome Kevin @Br28016 costs and options described are pretty accurate, my wife is here on British passport now after a 6 and half year visa journey (from start to finish) and the visa journey can be ok if you have the finances in place, the accommodation in place and time. You dont say how old her child is! A child is not a child in the visa process once they reach the age of 18, if however you apply for the child prior to them becoming 18 then they become 18 during the process that is OK. 2 very important things to consider before bringing her over, 1) your blood families reaction and social bonding with her and the child 2) you have been on your own for 3 years after a long and happy marriage, bringing a child across that has only really known one parent can be difficult as the child is used to asking that person alone for guidance, this can be frustrating (for you) Ive been there got the t shirt,my wifes daughter is over with us now on ILR waiting for BC, she never really knew her father he deceased when she was 4 leaving my now wife a widow and having to bring the girl (one of2 ) on her own so it natural for her the daughter to lean towards her mum for guidance, and we had to at first have numerous chats to break this down. As @oss says tread careful enjoy the holiday, and as you say consider all on your return, talk to your family talk to friends post on here.
Thank you all for your insight It has been an eye opener and has made a massive difference , yet leading to a very upsetting time More importantly I believe if I travel meet and become intimate in many ways emotionally being the important one I would just be building a mountain even higher.and causing more upset I just haven’t the time for this adventure due to my age There is a massive price for everybody to pay and as no promises made despite the lovely lady running away with emotions and calling me daddy through her son who has never had a father It’s so sad but now I am aware of this minefield thanks to these post which is highly appreciated. I have to inform her this morning which will be a mega upset but maybe better now before even going all that way and building a bigger bond I am upset even thinking about what I have to do but the reality is not possible at my age as time is obviously limited An ideal future for me is not going to happen now I will send her some money to have a nice time at Christmas but she will maybe not accept it She has just messaged me as the family have been to Church which is a small chapel in the village Her brother plays guitar in the church she sent me a photo last Sunday Parents were fishermen sadly her Papa died as her son was born Many thanks Kevin
Hello and welcome, Kevin. I don't normally feel pessimistic when a man falls for a woman in the Philippines but your situation throws up red flags. The financial cost to do everything you want will be very high, higher than you think - at least £10,000. You will probably really enjoy her company when you meet but the age gap at your age now will be too big to go through all the stress and financial outlay. The child is another big hurdle and one that you should walk away from. Sorry to be negative.
Good Luck in your search for a companion (closer to home) there is someone out there just waiting for you!
Hi Kevin and welcome to the forum, you have been given some good advice by some really top guys. Im sure your decision though it's hard is the correct one. One thing I will pick you up on, you have mentioned your age several times as if its a hinderance, you say you are mid 60s. I met my wife when I was in my mid 60s and you are obviously still young at heart, the old saying that "You are never to old" is still true, as Mattecube says there is someone out there nearer to home, just continue looking and for goodness sake dont give up.. Good luck and remember we are always here anytime you want a chat.
Thanks for all your advice I have just told her coming to the Uk is a non starter She is very upset and initially I called it all off but then I was aware of the holiday promised especially prior to Christmas her son was planning visits to snow world and the sea world I am soft hearted and torn between a hard break or letting down slowly but making sure she is aware of no future guarantees due to Visa and cost and time. I have decided that the holiday will go on then we go from there I can easily afford the visits and boost things for her for Christmas They are so poor washing by hand No fridge, power failure 6 hrs a day, really village life Cook on a wood stove as small farm Just another planet compared to ourselves. I have seen this type of life in Indonesia so aware what poor really is My heart pulls to be honest she is an amazing lady educated and proud as not asked for a thing except to meet No games whatsoever I will have the holiday make sure she is ok for the Christmas period and most likely make the final decision I know this is risky too! She deserves the face to face meeting but she is now aware no future may happen, I really need to be honest and no lies whatsoever. I am young at heart even did motorbike licence last year to pass the time , not an easy task in the UK Thanks everybody Appreciated I will update
Sorry I think your path is wrong and you by your own admission are soft hearted to go further will undoubtedly give you and her bigger emotional issues in the future, also and I hate saying this but it is hard reality the boy in planning visits is already spending your money!
The pride exists whether educated or not, the lady you are going to see is a teacher that's a strong plus, but teachers in the Philippines are paid a pittance, it is not a respected profession, the teachers that have taught my kids for a decade or more were on short term contracts, sometimes the school would fire everyone at end of contract and recruit a brand new set of teachers, and the salary rates can be as low as 15,000 peso a month even in the big cities like in Metro Manila . When I met Ana so many years ago now, I felt so much for the terrible situation this 32 year old woman was in at the time, I was a financial mess at the same time even before I met her but I had the power of the western financial system behind me at the time, so although I knew I was in deep trouble financially at the time, I also knew I could do something to make her life better because I had resources, some resources, basically I had good cash turnover despite having a very negative balance sheet, I used the cashflow and that was a huge mistake. Eventually helping her cost me my house in Scotland, I lost my business but that was going to happen anyway given the 2008 financial crisis, had I not gotten involved with Ana or had I chosen to exit the relationship then the remortgage I did in 2007 would have solved my problems at the time and I would likely now have a home that was fully paid up, I don't have that I am mid 60s and still renting. My point is that I was driven by my heart, I felt for her plight, for the desparately hard life she was living and I made a choice, once you make that choice to help you can't back out, not if you have any self respect, when you take on a Filipino relationship it can be like adopting a foundling, yes the person you get involved with is an adult not a child but their financial position puts them in the position of a child and if you take finanical responsibility for them there is no off ramp, there is no way to back out and retain your own self respect. If you are wealthy at your age mid 60s then fine go for it but be sure the girl is worthy of your effort, you will absolutely be less wealthy at the end of it. Right now I am being evicted from my flat in the UK under a Section 21 Order, the landlord wants me out after 16 years, 14 of them renting this flat in my own name, I have to vacate this place by January, the very day I fly back from the Philippines. The landlord is renovating his properties and wants to sell all 20 odd flats basically the entire building, I'm having to completely change my financial plans, I'm going to have to work two more additional years after I qualify for state pension, and the main reason I will have to work longer is that having to move screws up my pension savings and for various reasons I don't want to talk about I am going to have to access my pension and then switch to saving cash from my salary instead of saving into my pension, I'm doing that because I still want to buy a property for my daughter, son and my ex partner, I still feel compelled to help all these years later. I want to retire but the world and reality is not letting me, if I keep working they have the protection of the insurance my employer has on my life which is a year or more of my salary, if I buy a place now for Ana it will get paid from the insurance and my pension savings will be inherited and will keep them all alive, if and only if they manage the money properly, I am talking hundreds of thousands of pounds, they will be ok but I wanted to be spending that money myself finally having a bit of life and seeing the world, I wanted that for me and for Ana and for my kids, but the chances are now that will never happen. When you get to our age every choice you make is critical because you don't have a lot of time left to change your mind and you probably don't have time to earn your way out of any new problems you might create in your life. Having a big heart is admirable but it can also be incredibly self destructive.
Hi again Kevin, Lots of us in this forum have married province girls (like me) and brought them to the west. My wife used to wash by hand and had no electricity except for an hour or so occasionally when her parents paid a neighbour for the electricity from a generator. Life is brutal but is something they are well accustomed to. I, like you, was in the oil biz, for many years and any traveller has experience of many different lifestyles. You seem empathetic and that is commendable but try not to pity Filipinos - they are tough as old boots and will sniff out any vulnerabilities you may have and Filipinas (as well as poorer ladies from any country) are very good at making your wallet emptier with their nice figures and alluring smiles. Forewarned is forearmed. It seems to me that you have two options: 1. A very expensive decision to bring her and her child to the UK or 2. Go to live in the Philippines which would be wonderful if your health is and will stay robust Best of luck in whatever you decide on.
Alright Kevin, take the trip, keep an open mind, play it by ear,make no promises, see how it pans out, faint heart never fair maiden won. Forget the poverty, its not your fault, spend a bit of cash on the holiday, you can't take it with you and if it brings a smile to a few faces why not, enjoy the trip
Thanks for your reply taken on board, the money for the trip is way secondary to the emotional side Just finished talking and the Uk is now out of the equation and I cannot live there For several reasons including not wanting to. Doing the direct meeting is the only way for me to decide if to keep up contact or totally cut ties which to be honest is a possibility. An LTR that goes nowhere is not for me. I would be travelling to Asia regardless for a holiday so the budget can easily cover the Philippine schedule for two weeks. Things will be much clearer when I get back. The young boy is almost 7 and is not demanding in any way. Being poor and from a good family teaches them to settle for a much simpler life. Going to school being the highlight, his mum teaches there but different years , they walk every day but its only 200 yards away.from home. As is the Chapel As money isn’t really an issue for me a little help is a gift I would happily make without looking for any return, certainly she has made a point of refusing anything offered and would just like to meet me Thanks again for the advice and I will update
Hi thank you for the story and real life experiences than certainly have been experienced by you. As I am pre commitment and have not made the jump and hence why I have posted for comments to make the best judgement for everyone It’s strange how your best instincts can go out the window when lonely and need to do something positive, The woman in my life has always been spoiled it’s just my nature I can imagine a strange would smile and think lamb to the slaughter which will not be the case I will go with a budget that can be written off as holiday money At least 10 K which is double my normal holiday funds As I said from my side it’s a lot more than the money , from Her side it will be interesting to see I expect they see a white knight appearing and solving major problems When I told her initially that everything was off, obviously tears but reply was I respect your decision and that’s life not my fault But it will not change her feelings for me To be honest I know she is resilient and I think tough is the wrong word as she was broken hearted as it affected her dreams and aspirations for her young son also. It was a relief for me knowing that the UK involvement was out in the open therefore long term commitment not promised or achievable. I did feel bad about the holiday and expectations of her young boy to go to Cebu and do some day trips all the things children love She on the other hand just wanted to meet me and nothing else was requested After a lot of deliberation and baring my sole I decided to follow the original plan knowing that Marriage and the Uk was not on the agenda We will see butI will not be getting into financial difficulties due to this Only emotional pain. Many thanks to everybody by the way her name is Ann also aged 37
In the area of Negros that we reside,I have looked for the so called poverty thats supposed to plague this country but yet to really witness it it in terms of starving and homeless locals. Every day,I am exposed to people that smile a lot and that seem to be eating something or snacking on something at will. In fact,they are always eating! After my last walk through Manchester city center,sadly I cannot say the same about the poor and homeless and the alcoholics and drug addicts littering the streets in the UK. After Typhoon Odette,many Foreigners just could not cope with the power cuts and the water shortages and other hardships that should be expected after such a harsh storm and so they left like poor refugees to Countries like Thailand or cities like Manila that had air conditioned accommodation and internet. The highly resilient and tough local people that were left behind just carried on with their lives.I could hear hammers and chainsaws for about 2 weeks as they slowly repaired the damage. They opened all the hidden local water wells and harvested water with ropes and buckets and it was not a big deal. Government food aid was being distributed within 24 hours. Kjc. Don't feel too bad for your new friend. Trust me,not only will she survive without your support,she will be absolutely fine. The family bond and support mechanism here is very strong and enduring. Nothing like the family support culture in Britain. It's a good thing that you have decided to visit because I believe that the experience will enrich your life in many ways.Just keep an open mind and forget the application of western logic here. It does not apply. Enjoy your trip to the Philippines. Mabuhay!
Hi thanks for your insight, as you say the Uk family logic doesn’t apply and in many ways we have lost our way and many don’t look out for each other the way they do in the Philippines in particular caring for parents. It’s a different kind of wealth. Thanks again looking foreword to the trip probably 3rd week in November Appreciated Kevin
ive been chewing over what you have told us--so i want to say what i think. Please dont be offended--its just my viewpoint--ok? you say you dont want to face the future alone--i totally agree with that--i was the same. So--sooner rather than later you will meet someone. You say you wont spend £10 grand on settlement visas--yet you plan to blow that amount on a jolly --? eh ? I mentioned before--if it does come to a settlement visa--fiancee or spouse--you will have to prove its a genuine and lasting relationship--more on that in a mo-- You mention you wanted to crack on and get it all done and dusted in 6 months---no way!. Instead of some blow out spender of a holiday--do it on the cheap--see how it goes--and if you think theres a future in it--go over again--a couple of times a year at least. Get her + kid over here for a visit--although visit visas are difficult to get--at least they are cheap if you get a big NO. In my case--we met in 2011--she went home in 2012 when her student visa expired. A year later--she got a visit visa ( 2nd attempt) and surprised me with an unexpected visit. ( that is a whole new story--hilarious ) she lived with me for the whole 6 months visa. She filed for divorce--and i sold my house and rented for the next 3 years. She finally got her fiancee visa dec 2015 and came over in feb 2016. We married in april 2016. All the above has cost me a massive amount--£10 grand isnt even the first installment.
