hi im a Filipina married to a British national,and we're not physically together as he's working in the UK and im in the Philippines :-( we wer married 2 yrs ago and wer hoping to be living together end of next year. I just need some advice as im not really accustomed to how liberated westerners are :-( just recently i felt my husband changed,he gets easily irritated with me, wants me to back off and not talk on the phone as often as we weve been doing for 3 yrs..along the way ive confronted him about the lies that he's been doing and humbly admitted little white lies.but as i keep on about his change,that i know theres something wrong with him,i found out he's been chatting with other people on a website,but he said its a friendly website with married people as members,so he's assuring its not a porn or dating site. I was happy he told me and thought its really fine and im ok with it as he is bored alone at home from work. so we carried on. once in a while im asking if he had met someone interesting online but he just said only hi's and hellos and that was it. later he said the site didnt interest him anymore. so i thought he had gone off of it. but just recently ive downloaded a text messaging app and found out he's there. when i mentioned it to him he was all defensive shouting and said he doesnt like to be checked up on and that he doesnt ask me who i message or why. i was just saying that could be the reason why he wanted me to back off on calls and messages bec he's busy chatting with someone else. atleast now i know why he's acting differently i told him. but he keeps on saying he hasnt changed. women has instinct that theres somethkng wrong or our man had changed ofcourse. he's saying his playing his game on the phone but in fact he's online on the other app as he unintentionally said but later on changed,that he was just playing on his phone. i just dont get the point why would he be looking for someone else to chat to online. if he doesnt want to be with me anymore he could atleast be honest about it but he's assuring me he still wants us to be together one day and grow old together. that he didnt come all the way to the Philippines to get married and look for someone else to have an affair with. buy the thing i liked the most is he assured me he hasnt been sleeping nor out with someone. but i was thinking,he might later on fall for that constant chatmate he has or find them better than me. and isnt that a form of cheating as well? coz if it really means nothing to him,just chat,he wouldnt hide it from his wife or lie about as well right? is that really normal for westerners?!? would really appreciate insights? thank you for taking the time to read
Well, I know it's difficult to trust when you're in a long distance relationship, and that it's tempting for either half to sometimes question what the other is doing. My phone is playing up let me try and post below.
Continued. I also don't believe that you need secrets and I feel that you both should be fully comfortable with the other person having full access to all your online accounts and cellphone. Neither of you should be doing anything that the other person would feel uncomfortable with. I don't believe he should be chatting with any other women and keeping it a secret. IF it's innocent then he will have no problem showing the chat content will he? I have no problem with my wife looking at my phone. In the past, my wife and I had similar talks and we got around it by giving each other our passwords and giving each other access to our phones and so on. That worked for us. I don't think it's healthy for husband and wife to have online secrets. The Internet has made it very easy to get access to other people and I think that it's possible to get into difficulties. I would tread carefully because if you go about talking about it the wrong way then it sounds like you don't have the Trust and that can be upsetting.
Continued. That being said, some couples are OK with their other half spending a lot of online or physical time with people of the opposite sex. As long as both people are OK with it, then that works, but if you're not, then you should talk about it. I Will ask my wife @BlueberryCheeseCake to comment and see what she says. I also wonder why you're leaving it so long to apply for the visa since you're married. I can't imagine being married and waiting for three years. We married in may (after being together 4 years) and she was here by August. Can't you apply sooner? I also feel that you guys could manage your schedule so that he doesn't get much time to be bored in the evening as you put it. Why don't you both get up early. My wife and I talked from 5am England time to 7.30 am England time and from 10pm England time to midnight England time. We went to great lengths (including daytime naps) to overcome the time zone problems. I don't agree that he should be (or needs to be) online chatting on the evening to others on the pretext he's bored. I think you're right to be concerned if he is lying about it or keeping it secret because that means he knows you wouldn't like it. Given that trust is needed and hard and communication is vital in a long distance relationship, you guys should discuss what is okie and what isn't for both of you. I admit That lying raises a red flag for me. It's only fair that you're both happy with whatever is going on.
Good luck. I accidentally posted again here because my phone has trouble on this forum. I'm sure that with good communication and a sensible plan you can work out a plan that will keep you both comfortable.
Hello 2die4,welcome here .Im sorry about how you feel right now ,I know that a long distance relationship is not easy .My husband and I went thru that for 4 years and it's really a challenge.Trust and respect is very important ,my husband and I made an arrangement during our time , we shared PW and emails,we constantly talked all the time so boredom can never be a reason between us and we uses the Internet as part of our way of being together ,we watch movie together using Google drive and even had food and drink together. Maybe you can open that thing to him ,don't nag him make him that he is free to talk to you about anything and tell him you trust him more than anyone . I remember I told my husband that I trust him more than anyone, so that even if he says the dog can fly I will believe him ,tho it's sounds funny and impossible but just to tell him that my trust for him is bigger than he thought.
Hello 2die4 and welcome aboard British Filipino All we can do is give our own personal feelings from our own frame of reference. Not really advice. Different people have different opinions on this issue and based solely on what you've shared that also seems to be case here between you and your husband. As for me, despite the fact that there's no physical contact it would not lessen the sense of a betrayal felt. Maybe mine is a strong a reaction but here's why. If it's the case that the current status of the relationship is considered as being happily married but at the same time your husband is secretly looking elsewhere to satisfy his needs in some way whilst also having you believe he's not, then in my view I'd considered it cheating. A long distance relationship can be difficult and needs a little extra of everything. Probably the majority of married people who engage in some form of one-to-one chatting would take the view that it's not cheating. More serious talking ahead I guess Good Luck
absolutely. I don't think that innocent 1:1 chatting is wrong but lying about it is, and if it's innocent then why not just show you the content? Also I think that occasional chatting is very different to talking to someone of the opposite sex every day. I Wouldn't be happy with my wife talking to some other guy every day and I know she wouldn't like it if I secretly talked to some woman every day either. Best think you can do is to talk about it.
Hello @2die4 Me and my fiance shared password of email, skype, facebook, mobile passcode etc. for me chatting with someone else is also cheating, knowing the person is married. Married people should never engage in this type of behavior with anyone other than their spouse. That's my only opinion. Try to talk him if your not comfortable with it.
If i ever thought of chatting to another lady, my wife would think i am cheating lol, if you was to tell him you was talking to another man he would not be liking it. Like Choiandjohn said me and my wife have each other passwords has have nothing to hide.
wow! thank you for everything, very comforting to know im in the right. was just thinking at first since he' foreigner so his more liberated than filipinos are. i have exactly the same sentiments. i told him he can have chatmates so long as he's gonna tell me but he still didnt :-( coz as uve said,if its innocent he can tell me right? but i have to find it out accidentally :-( i already confronted him (in a nice way,not nag hhehe) but he started being excessively defensive about it and keeps on having a go at me even when i tried to attempt to talk about it and have it sorted out :-( he just wants me to accept whatever he tells me,regardless if i believe it or not,its up to me and he cant do anything about it if i trust him or not :-( he keeps on saying he doesnt want to be checked up on and not used to telling anyone his every move or what he's been doing :-( he's gonna tell me whatever he wants and doesnt want to be questioned..even tho i always talk in a nice way,he feels his being questioned all the time :-( so i dont know if this is it,regardless if he's saying he still wants us to be together and cant wait..but his actions and how he treats me speaks otherwise or maybe i feel i deserve better?!? :-( maybe for other women who just marry for money or to better their lives,( no offfense sorry ) probably they can live with it,but i dont :-( i really love him and im doing ok financially on my own,so not sure if this is almost over as he doesnt want to cooperate :-( or should we go through counselling which im sure he'll be furious just the thougjt of it :-(
really nice to hear the level of trust you all have for ur husbands/wives it feels nice and comforting to have a piece of mind in a marriage just not sure if il ever have that tho :-(
btw we talk every day,morning,after his work and bed time.but if it gets to an hour facetime,he wants to go to chill on his own,which is fine,thats the routine. so maybe he's just BORED talking to me on facetime all day long.so just recently when i noticed somethings wrong,he then wants me to lessen the phone calls,not to message to much to give him his "me" time, then when i found out about the app,what he meant was "me and someone else's time" that he's asking for :-(
Well, frankly you both need to be happy. Every couple is different but if you don't agree with it then you have every right to say something. After all, if you have very different ideas about "me time" the you're in for some real arguments. You are hardly likely to be happy if his idea of a perfect time is spending a lot of it apart if that's not what you want. I think that his spending "me time" talking online to other women is wrong. Specially if he lies about it.
And also if he doesn't even earn enough to satisfy the financial requirement then how is he saving enough to settle there? I would be asking some hard financial questions if I was you like: 1. What is his net income after tax every month? 2. How much of that is he saving? 3. how much has he saved to date? 4. What is the targt amount he feels like he needs to move to the phils? 5. Does he own a house that he is planning to sell? 6. What is his long-term plan for financial stability there? You want to be sure that this isn't just a way of stalling for time. Where has this 'end of next year' date come from? I would be careful. And is it true that he really wouldn't mind you spending time talking to other guys? Or is this just a way of defending what he is up to? Hmm. I dunno. I can't visualise being happy If @BlueberryCheeseCake did that and I know that she wouldn't like it if I did that. I don't think its right. I think you guys need to see whether you both want the same thing, what both your expectations are, how much 'me time' is acceptable to you both, whether you are both ok with you talking to other people (presumably of the opposite sex) and whether he wants to keep having 'secrets'. In my view, you shouldn't have secrets in a marriage and he should be sensitive enough to your feelings to be able to work with you on whatever needs to be done. After all, you have to admit that the relationship is about you both being happy. Not just one of you. I think you guys need to communicate better and set some rules. And to be honest, don't be so negative about yourself. Why would he be bored talking to you? How can you possibly hope to be married to someone and spend every day together if he can't even manage a bit of face time every day??? And finally. Use your instincts. If something looks like fish and smells like fish and tastes like fish, then maybe it is a fish. Don't be blinded by emotions. The rest of your life is a long time to mortgage to someone who isn't being respectful to your feelings. You have every right to be upset. And he should support you and talk about it, and you guys should come to a working arrangement that works for you both. Coming out with all this BS about 'me time' and 'not being used to be checked up on' is just BS. It makes my horns grow branches.
