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Discussion in 'Humour' started by Mattecube, Mar 11, 2018.

  1. Mattecube

    Mattecube Gone Trusted Member

    • Funny Funny x 1
  2. Sanders

    Sanders Active Member

    A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients (they were good friends) and can now no longer work in the profession he loves. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.
    • Funny Funny x 3
  3. Sanders

    Sanders Active Member

    A friend of mine made one simple error and sadly it cost him his job!

    It was hot, he was tired. The motion of the train rocked him to sleep like a baby. He awoke 38 mins later with a jolt. Regrettably he had missed his stop and he knew he wouldn’t make it to the de briefing meeting scheduled for later that day.

    He knew Management would be livid so he phoned and tried to explain, but alas they were having none of it. They SACKED him on the SPOT!!! He sat depressed, sipping on a Diet Coke knowing he had blown his chance of working in the industry he had loved since childhood.

    He never drove a train again.
    • Funny Funny x 2
  4. Sanders

    Sanders Active Member

    3 Old Guys having a conversation:

    'Sixty is the worst age to be,' said the 60-year-old man. 'You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.'

    'Ah, that's nothing,' said the 70-year-old. 'When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!'

    'Actually,' said the 80-year -old, 'Eighty is the worst age of all.'

    'Do you have trouble peeing, too?' asked the 60-year old.

    'No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.'

    'So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?'

    'No, I have one every morning at 6:30.'

    Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, 'You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?'

    'I don't wake up until 7:00.'
  5. bigmac

    bigmac Well-Known Member Trusted Member

    There are no new jokes.

    Only new jokers.
    • Funny Funny x 2
  6. Dave_E

    Dave_E Well-Known Member Trusted Member

    A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"

    The man says,"Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."

    The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."

    The man replies, "Listen you idiot. The window won't open. That's a maintenance matter."
    • Funny Funny x 3
  7. Sanders

    Sanders Active Member

    A young couple wanted to join the church.
    The priest told them,
    'We have a special requirement for new member couples.
    You must abstain from sex for one whole month.'

    The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.
    When the priest ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.

    'You are back so soon...Is there a problem?' the priest inquired.

    'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month,' the young man replied sadly

    The priest asked him what happened.

    'Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain.
    However, the third week was unbearable.
    We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible....anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts.

    One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there.
    It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.

    The priest lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.'

    'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at Homebase either.'
    • Funny Funny x 3
    • Winner Winner x 1
  8. Sanders

    Sanders Active Member

    A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store
    and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

    After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub for a drink with him.

    So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down the pub with me today? We will have a good time."

    But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again,

    "How about going down the pub with me ?"

    But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.

    This time he put his face up against the centipede's box and shouted,

    "Hey, you in there!

    Would you like








    This time, a little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my effing shoes on!"
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
  9. Sanders

    Sanders Active Member

    Sadly, my dear old Dad got sacked recently from his job repairing roads, owing to theft. I could not believe it at first but when I got home, all the signs were there.
    Last edited: Mar 18, 2018
  10. Mattecube

    Mattecube Gone Trusted Member

  11. Mattecube

    Mattecube Gone Trusted Member

    • Agree Agree x 1
  12. Sanders

    Sanders Active Member

    Me: What's the Wi-Fi password?

    Barman: you need to buy a drink first

    Me: Okay, I'll have a beer.

    Barman: Is Fosters okay?

    Me: Sure. How much is that?

    Barman: £3.

    Me: There you go. So what's the Wi-Fi password?

    Barman: you need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase
  13. Sanders

    Sanders Active Member

    Jeremy Corbyn, leader of the Labour party, called John McDonnell into his office one day and said

    "John, I have a great idea! We’re going to go all out to win back MiddleEngland.”

    “Good idea Jeremy, how will we go about it?” said McDonnell.

    “Well,” said Corbyn “we’ll get ourselves two of those long Barbour jackets, some proper Hunter wellies, a stick and a flat cap – oh, and abigLabradordog, then we’ll really look the part. We’ll go to a nice old country pub, and we’ll show we really enjoy the countryside and we’ll show Middle England.”

    “Right Comrade,” said McDonnell.

    So, a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off.

    Eventually they arrived in a quiet little village and found a lovely country pub and, with the dog, went in and up to the bar.

    “Good evening, Landlord. Two pints of your best cask ale, please,” said Corbyn

    “Good evening Jeremy,” said the landlord. “Two pints of bitter it is, coming up.”

    Corbyn & McDonnell stood leaning on the bar contemplating taking over thecountry, nodding now and again to those who came in for a drink, whilst the dog lay quietly at their feet.

    Suddenly the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd complete with crook.

    He walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail with his crook, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.

    A few moments later, in came a wizened farmer who followed the same procedure to the bewilderment of Corbyn and McDonnell.

    People of all ages and gender followed suit over the next hour.

    Eventually, unable to stand it any longer, McDonnell called the landlord over.

    “Tell me,” said McDonnell, “Why did all those people come in and look under the dog’s tail like that? Is it an old country custom?”

    “Good Lord no,” said the landlord. “It’s just that someone in the village has told them that there was a Labrador in the pub withtwo a-holes!
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  14. Dave_E

    Dave_E Well-Known Member Trusted Member

    At a travel agency in Shanghai, I asked the Chinese girl behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour and asked her for her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements.

    She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said, "Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonigh".

    I replied, "Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable!

    A guy standing next to me overheard, tapped me on the shoulder and said, "What she said was: 666136429 !”

    • Like Like x 2
    • Funny Funny x 2
  15. Sanders

    Sanders Active Member

    I grew up in a rough area...
    As a child people would cover me in chocolate, cream & put a cherry on my head....
    It was tough in the Gateau.
  16. bigmac

    bigmac Well-Known Member Trusted Member

    • Agree Agree x 1

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