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disorder in the court

Discussion in 'Humour' started by bigmac, May 18, 2018.

  1. bigmac
    Offline

    bigmac Well-Known Member Trusted Member

    How do court stenographers keep a straight face?
    These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters who had the torment of staying straight-faced while the exchanges were taking place.
    ___________

    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    ___________
    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
    ___________
    ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
    WITNESS: July 18th .
    ATTORNEY: What year?
    WITNESS: Every year.
    ___________

    ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
    WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which
    ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
    WITNESS: Forty-five years.
    ___________
    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ___________
    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: He's 20. Very close to your IQ.
    ___________
    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
    ___________
    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th ?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Getting laid.
    ___________
    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
    ___________
    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Take a guess.
    ___________
    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
    ___________
    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    ___________
    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
    ___________

    ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you attend?
    WITNESS: Oral.
    ___________
    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
    ___________
    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
    • Funny Funny x 9
  2. AM2018
    Offline

    AM2018 Member

    OMG! I can't stop laughing here. My flatmate thought I am going Loco laughing on my own! :lol:

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