Filipino-British Courtships - The Filipino Chaperone
Some British suitors who travel to the Philippines are often unprepared on arrival for the rather unusual sight of a 2nd person at the airport. In many cases, this will undoubtedly be the Chaperone, if its not, it might just be a companion, many filipina's are reluctant to meet a overseas visitor without at least one other person for company, Filipinos very rarely travel around without at least one other person to talk to, and for general company, they are thought to be in Western circles very clingy to others, this is found to be a cultural thing, they often travel around in groups of 5 to 10 and think nothing of this, so don't be unduly perturbed if you see a.n. other or lots of a.n. others in attendance, just take it as normal, what about the chaperone ?
The Chaperone in British Culture is an outdated custom that probably died a death somwhere around 1920 or even before that however please be mindful, that in the Philippines the custom is still practiced and do not be suprised if the lady you are going to see has a chaperone in tow, this may not appear to be so. and it may just look like a freind who has come to welcome you.
The chaperone will often be their on an informal basis, whilst formal chaperoning was endemic in Filipino courtships, thankfully the country is getting into the 21st century and chaperoning as practiced in the past is fading away, but there still might be a companion or "freind" at the airport.
Some families in the Philippines will insist that a Chaperone is with you at all times, there are reasons for this..and when you hear the reasons you will no doubt understand why, firstly, a girls family may be concerned that you are a sexual predator, especially if the lady is of a very young age. i.e. between say 18-22, they are concerned especially as the Philippines Media, has highlighted stories of older Western men coming over to the Philippines for sex tourism, sneaking off with the bloom of young Philippine society and taking them back to their castles in the outer provinces of anywheretown UK OR USA.
On occasion there are bad reports of girls being trafficked into the West, and as in any country there are always abuses of women and children, the Philippine media is quick to highlight these rare cases, however, these stories are in the minority, and what you must realize is, that it would not matter whether you are a Filipino suitor or a Western Suitor The process would be the same.
It is a well known fact that the Department for Foreign Affairs, or the Bureau of Immigration or other Filipino government departments, give advice to would be spouses of foreign citizens to ensure they have a private bank account set up by the foreigner suitor with a deposit of at least P100,000 or about £1100.00 sterling, for re-patriation services, this means that they are advised to have danger money before they travel to a foreign country.
This might seem a little bit one sided, one might say " You could give us the benefit of the doubt" this comes from the Nanny state attitude of the Philippine Government who wish to interfere in every facet of Filipino life, the "We know best" policies are based on the premise that every single foreigner who arrives in the Philippines has only two things on his mind, "Where is the girl ? and how fast can I get a room" sorry we have to laugh at this, so dont be suprised when the chaperone is clearly visible
What Form does the Chaperone take ??
It is almost likely, although not always, that the Chaperone will be female, this can in some ways have benefits, certainly it depends on the age of your Philippines lady, if she is in her late 20's or mid 30's it is possibly unlikely she will have one, however every situation will be different, some families insist that a chaperone is there, others are less insistent, and some Philippine ladies can be so independant they will go out of their way to ensure their family does not control their life, it wouldn't matter what their families said, they would make their own decisions anyway, having said that, you may have to face the fact that you have picked a lady who has a chaperone in tow.
How do you cope with this ??
Well if the chaperone is to stay with you for a few days, I can guarantee that one thing will happen, if you stay the night in Manila or Cebu, you will have to spend it sleeping away from your lady, the chaperone and her will no doubt be sharing a room, and of course you get the bill for that ! don't worry its not going to break the bank, if it costs you a tenner I would be suprised.
You may feel that having a chaperone in tow, is a pain in the backside, you might be thinking hmmmmm how can I get to talk to the lady on my own ? and of course
how long is going to go on ? if you thought that, you wouldnt be the first, think of the many thousands of British men who went before you, and had to put up with
exactly that.
Having a chaperone can often be turned into a positive, a chaperone can help you though in many ways, for one it can help when you have an embarassing pause in conversations, this happens although you dont expect it, the chaperone might help you keep the conversation going, and also, might be able to suggest places you might want to visit, and of course, suggest things that you can do to be entertained
If you accept the fact that the Chaperone is not going to be there always in the future, you may relax more, for one thing, the chaperone is there to check you out, so to speak, if you visit her family, everyone who greets you will be all smiles and very chatty, this is your chance of course to come across as an "OK" guy, be yourself and get into the conversation, often it may be appropriate to comment on how nice the house looks, just show humility where you can.
This is known as the "On Stage" process, that is to say, you the Western Suitor are on stage....its rather like the X Factor, where you have 2 minutes to get up and do your thing, and at the end you get he verdict of the judges, this is similar although not as gruelling, this process of being on show, is where the family gets a chance to look at the man who is pursuing a daughter of the family, not as gruelling as being in front of Simon Cowell and Sharon Osbourne.
The Chaperone also can play a big part in this, reporting back to the family on your behaviour, politeness, Whether you are courteous, and your general dress etc.
You may even have to face the propsect that she turns up a the airport with her Aunty in tow, hahahaha if that happens again, play it cool, my advice is simple, if the Aunty turns up at the Airport, you have it made, get the Aunty batting on your team, and youve won the match, Aunty's or Tita's can be extremely useful, they are often elder
ladies, and very often make good reports about you to the girls Mother, my advice is simple, charm the Aunty, make her like you, be polite, and soon she is telling your Lady's Nanay what a gentleman you are, and that Nanay has nothing to worry about, then all of a sudden the Aunty says Goodbye, and wishes the two of you a nice vacation, my advice is to always suggest that the three of you go for dinner or lunch, this is a very nice Filipino custom that the foreigner on arrival in the Philippines arranges for the chaperone to eat, this will also endear you to the chaperone, as trust me they are always hungry !
What if the Chaperone is her Brother ?
This can happen, although its more likely to be a male cousin of the family, in Philippine families, there are millions of them, cousins are as pebbles on a beach, sand in the sea, got the picture, if its a male cousin, my advice is simple, make freinds with him, firstly dont ask him if he has eaten ? suggest you take him for lunch or dinner, he will love that, then later on when you have freshened up, take him to a bar, buy him San Miguels all night, and then give him a little complimentary allowance say P500 just
enough to let him do something else apart from hanging around you, suggest he sits at another table, pay for his beer and buy him lechon Kawaili or something, while you chat to your lady, don't worry he can always keep an eye on proceedings, eventually, just go for an outright bribe...and hen he is on his way, satisfied and a few hundred pesos better off for the priviledge of chaperoning you.
To be honest guys, there are so many different situations that you could face, I can't list them all, however sometimes there is no chaperone at all, if so then you got lucky
and dont need to worry too much about the chaperone, the chaperone is a momentary thing, here today gone tomorrow, they are only concerned about one thing, are
you a nice British friendly and moralistic guy, can you be trusted with the cousin, neice, or sister of a.n. other, thats all they want to know, once you pass the test
its full steam ahead to pleasure island.
I hope if this does happen to you, you are able to deal with it in a spirit of freindliness, just be aware that it is not personal, and that it can be a custom that is still very much part of Filipino culture, and is viewed very seriously by her family, so try not to make fun of it, and treat it with respect, remember, you chose this lady, its your thing, deal with it, if you really like her and want her, which I know you do, then show a little patience, and best of luck with your endeavours in your philworld trail of love and marriage.
What about sending money ?Have you got married and now find yourself having to support your wife's extended family ? this is well worth a read. or have you checked out Have you taken your Courtship Public A Good read for those who are afraid of what freinds neighbours or relatives have to say about your new Filipino Girlfriend
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